✨ Financial Abuse
The lesser-known crime, making it easier to commit…
Financial abuse is…. you guessed it, abusing money….er no, wait, more like abusing YOU with YOUR money….
One of the many ways a narcissist can abuse their partner, is financially controlling the amount of money you can spend freely and over all controlling you.
Lack of money can keep you from leaving. Long term damage can include maxing out credit cards to destroy credit scores, or forcing them into filing bankruptcy, dictating / cutting off their finances- leaving their victims unable to take out a loan or rent an apartment, leaving them to feel trapped or faced with homelessness.
Nathaniel Fields, president, and CEO of the Urban Resource Institute told Forbes, the dilemma often becomes: “Either risk staying in an abusive relationship, or risk becoming homeless and facing poverty.”
To get personal and vulnerable…. That is exactly what happened to me, and my mother before me.
Though unlike my mother who chose to stay at the risk of her kids’ childhoods, I chose to get out… even if it meant homelessness, and it did.
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Why stay??
A victim's reasons for staying are extremely complex and, in most cases, are based on the reality that their abuser will follow through on the threats they used to keep them trapped: many threats include hurting or even killing you, the kids, or your pets. Pretty much anyone or thing you care about. (Source)
D.V. Awareness
The fear of being murdered if leaving is not something that’s crazy to have, unfortunate, it is MORE than valid.
Those who do decide to leave their abusers, are at a 70% HIGHER risk of being KILLED within the first 2 weeks of separation…. In other words, the hunt is on…..
Not to scare anyone or make anyone feel hopeless… It is possible to safely leave, it requires asking for help. Its Okay, and nothing to be embarrassed about, the sad fact is, MOST of the population is in a similar situation, and it is because most stay quiet and down educate others on what they learned that the abuser continues in silence. But breaking out is as simple as calling the Domestic violence hotline (800-799-7233) and asking for help. They specialize in finding you everything possible to help. In some areas, they will even schedule a pickup, where someone will come pick you up from a location and get you to a shelter.
Shelters are not to be feared either, though it is understandable to fear the unknown, shelters are there to help you. Give you a roof and a bed where you are safe to knock out and sleep (lets be real, someone who has been abused, deserves plenty of sleep), and resources to help you find a job, therapy, day care, and a way to start on the life where you can live happy…
78 percent of Americans had not heard about financial abuse as it relates to domestic violence. Which makes the most of us sitting ducks, ready to be targeted.
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The day it hit me; he had this all planned out.
I remember getting off my bed and moving to the chair at my childhood desk that faced out the side window of the house. The desk remained as it did from my childhood, it was almost insulting. I was married, went to college at 16, planned a life and career path for myself to escape this bedroom and the childhood I had… so how did I end up back here with nothing more, and a whole lot less?
As more questions flooded my head, I opened the laptop that sat atop the desk, pulled up google search and typed “why do I keep coming back?”
It didn’t take long before I came upon this article from an insurance company at the time bringing awareness to financial abuse. Almost as if I sat outside my body, I watched myself read this article. So many questions being answered, and so many new questions coming forward, ones I didn’t dare ask before, but now had the need to know.
“Financial abuse, whether you’re talking about ruining her credit, getting her fired or hiding the money, is just as effective in controlling an abuse victim as a lock and key,” -Kim Gandy, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, told The Huffington Post
I threw myself from the chair onto the ground, I don’t remember much other than the sound of my own hysteria at this point. Screaming, laughing, crying. Pounding my chest with my fist in a desperate attempt to ease the shattering pain within. So desperate to escape the cage I felt trapped in by my father, I ended up flying RIGHT into the cage of someone else, someone far more violent, and he had this all planned out, from the First cup of coffee he bought me as coworkers, to the lavish jewelry, date spots and vacations… he had known it would end up coming out of my pocket… as intended all along.
He got me early on, very early. He would buy me a coffee and never ask for one in return, he would fill my tank with gas while I was working by asking to use my car to pick up coffee, just to surprise me with the full tank. When we started "dating" he would buy me jewelry, clothes, expensive dates and movie nights, Bouquets of flowers and sentimental cards, I was one lucky girl getting the lavish princess special... except, I was expected to pay it all back with 100% interest and it looked a little like this...
"Can I borrow a 5 for a snack?" he would ask, "OF COURSE!" I would respond, after all, he has been spoiling me, who cares if he wants a 5-dollar snack, he deserves it. "Can you help me pay this ticket?" he’d then ask, "no problem" I’d say.
Before I knew it, all my money, every single penny, was going to bills, I had not a penny of my own, but then again, he would buy me food and clothed and dates so what was the harm now?
"I do" I said to the County Clerks question of " do you take this man to..." blah blah blah. we get it... immediately after I said I do, and I’m talking within DAYS of getting married, he quit his job, leaving my income to be the only income, and my savings to be depleted.
Before I knew it, I went from princess special, to broke and in debt, within weeks.
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How does it Work?
By blocking or controlling access to finances, abusers can coerce their victims into staying with them or coming back if they try to leave, locking them into a cycle. In fact, “lacking financial knowledge or resources is the number one indicator of whether a domestic violence victim will stay, leave, or return to an abusive relationship,” according to the Allstate Foundation’s Purple Purse, a fundraising and public awareness campaign. (Source)
Financial abusers go as far as taking out loans in your name - ruining your credit scores, harassing you at your workplace until you lose the job and source of income. After this, they can still go even further and file bankruptcy. Whatever it takes to cut your income flow and fund their needs.
“When you’re living in abuse, planning and goal setting is so foreign to your life,” Jenisee, a survivor of domestic abuse, told the Allstate Foundation. “You need to get through today. You can’t think about what is happening tomorrow…”
It is important for survivors to be given the facts and knowledge of their situation, along with an opportunity of guidance. Survivors must learn how to be financially independent, a concept foreign in the situation of financial abuse. This knowledge is the power the abuser attempted to take, or may have succeeded in taking, but you can take it back.
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The days nearing my escape.
I was -negative a few hundred dollars in my bank account, no credit cards, a credit score of mid 300s, multiple small loans taken out between my mom and sister, an overdue phone bill resulting in my phone service about to be shut off in a matter of days, and let’s not forget a humiliating GoFundMe, attached to a desperate video of me begging for help while seeking shelter in a closet from my exs violent and drunk rage. A Gofundme of a WHOPPING $200….
It being 2020 meant Covid-19 shut down all the shelters near me. None were taking in anyone new for the time being… AND I had totaled my minivan, with no money for a tow or hope of it being fixed, I had to abandon it on the side of the road at 4am in westside Chicago… and continue by foot…. In other words, I hit rock bottom… again, I had nothing.
Many survivors find themselves in this situation.
Determined that I didn’t come this far to ONLY come THIS far, I took back my finances, at the risk of being beaten, homeless, or killed. I collected coins on my walk to save a buck or two for something from the store to eat, I called up the banks and pleaded my case of a DV victim, getting hundreds of dollars in fees and fines removed. I used to few hundred from Go fund me to keep my phone in service, I spent 12+ hours a day walking the city, entering every restaurant along the way to apply for a job.
I made a way is what I’m trying to say. Yes, I ended up homeless and my ex stalked me for 2 years. But I made it out. If I can do it, I truly believe anyone can.
I encourage everyone to believe in themselves and say “Fuck this” when it comes to an abusive relationship and GET OUT.
Leave as safely and quickly as they can. If in the situation where your life can be lost, you are already at such a high risk, why wait? Get the F**ck OUT!
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TIPS to escaping if financially abused.
✦Save every and ANY penny you find in a place your partner wont find it.
Whether it’s a few coins or a $50 each week, put it away. In CASH. In this situation, Cash is once again, KING. Untraceable. If you got to lie can say your sibling or friend is borrowing or that you got a new subscription (that you don’t got), it’s okay to lie, at least, that’s the only way.
I walked miles to get to a job, lied about the hours I worked, lied about where I was, lied about how much my monthly expenses were, lied about my hourly wage, lied-lied-lied, all to survive, to escape.
✦Along with putting cash away, plan your escape. If you can take the car or bus out, if someone can pick you up, where are your options to go once you escape. Plan out as much as you can, as quietly as you can. And if you can’t plan much that fine too, just plan to be flexible.
✦Start putting aside what you will leave with. If you are in the situation where you got to take the opportunity and run, meaning having to leave most of your stuff behind, then that’s what you got to do and I promise you, you’ll build for yourself a better home with better furniture and better clothes soon enough, if you focus on you. It won’t take long at all.
✦Plan what is the most important to take, and what can you carry, a van full? A trunk full? a suitcase? Gym bag? A small tote? Whatever it is, have it ready.
✦Fill with essentials like socks, undies, medicine, hygiene care, burner phone, etc. Please ensure you are not obviously packing and stay safe. Do not tip your abusive partner off before you’re ready to leave.
✦Let your friend or family member in on your plan, include them, the ones you trust. Any help can go a long way, whether it’s storing some of your stuff little by little so you can retrieve them after you’ve escaped. Recommending you for a job, helping with basic groceries till you can afford to pay them back. Whatever it is they can do for you, don’t be ashamed to accept, and remember when you escape and focus on you again, you can pay them back for their support later.
✦For those who are able to, i highly reccomend opening a secured credit card. Unlike normal credit cards that Give you a balance to spend, a secured card is your money, if you only have 100, your only get a card for 100. What's the point? If your partner has succeeded in lowering your credit, you won't have much luck getting approved for a real credit card, or an apartment, or much else. A secured credit card will allow you a chance to rebuild your credit score.
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There are more reasons for a victim to stay or come back other than their finances. However, financial abuse is serious and can lead to serious damages in your health and life.
This abuse strives on fear. Fear of being without, fear of stepping out alone, fear of the unknown. Fear is a powerful emotion, if constantly living in fear, one can expect to see damages to the brain’s neurons over time, no, not being dramatic, living in survival mode, under high levels of chronic stress, living in constant fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, can cause brain damage and lead to many auto immune disease/illnesses along with Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attacks, and PTSD.
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Knowledge is Power ✦ Protect Yourself ✦ Protect your Finances.
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✨Stay Strong✨Keep Fighting on✨