✨ Financial Abuse
The Lesser-Known Crime That’s Easier to Commit…and get away with.
Financial abuse.
It’s not just “abusing money.”
It’s abusing YOU—with your own money.
One of the most subtle yet devastating forms of abuse, financial control is a tactic narcissists often use to dominate their partners. It’s not always obvious at first—but over time, it becomes a cage.
This kind of abuse limits your access to money, controls how you spend it, and chips away at your freedom.
It can leave you feeling powerless, stuck—and terrified to leave.
The long-term damage?
✖ Maxed-out credit cards
✖ Destroyed credit scores
✖ Bankruptcy
✖ Frozen or cut-off access to your own bank accounts
✖ No way to get a loan, rent an apartment, or even buy groceries
You’re left with two impossible options:
Stay in the abuse—or risk homelessness.
Nathaniel Fields, president and CEO of the Urban Resource Institute, told Forbes the harsh reality many survivors face:
“Either risk staying in an abusive relationship, or risk becoming homeless and facing poverty.”
That quote hit me hard—because that was me.
And it was my mother, too.
She chose to stay—fearing what leaving might mean for her kids’ stability.
I chose to leave—even when it meant becoming homeless.
And it did.
But I survived. And so can you.
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Why Do We Stay?
The reasons victims stay in abusive relationships are complex and often life-threatening.
It’s not weakness. It’s not ignorance.
It’s survival.
Abusers don’t just manipulate emotions—they make very real threats:
“If you leave, I’ll hurt you. I'll go after you family”
“I’ll take the kids.”
“I’ll kill the dog.”
“No one will believe you.”
And the truth?
They’re often serious about their threats.
According to domestic violence experts, victims who leave are at a 70% higher risk of being murdered in the first two weeks after leaving.
Let that sink in:
For two weeks.
That’s when the hunting is on.
This isn’t meant to scare you.
It’s meant to validate what you already feel:
That your fear is not paranoia.
It’s real, and it’s valid.
But there is a way out.
Yes, it’s terrifying.
Yes, it’s hard.
But you can leave safely—with help.
Calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) is a powerful first step.
They can help you build a safety plan, connect you to resources, and in many areas, even arrange for someone to come pick you up discreetly and bring you to safety.
Don’t fear shelters.
We know the word can sound cold. Unfamiliar.
But the truth? Shelters are places of safety and restoration.
They’ll give you:
✔ A roof over your head
✔ A bed to finally rest (and you deserve sleep, real sleep)
✔ Access to therapy, legal aid, job support, childcare, and more
It’s a space to breathe again, to start fresh, and to rebuild the life you were told you could never have.
Here’s the truth that not enough people know:
🔒 78% of Americans haven’t even heard of financial abuse as part of domestic violence.
That means most people have no idea it’s happening to them.
That’s why abusers keep getting away with it—because we stay quiet, we don’t share because well, its embarrasing, and devastating, and we think we’re alone.
But you’re not.
And when we speak up, we educate, we protect, we break the cycle.
You’re not weak for staying. You’re strong for surviving.
And you’re even stronger for walking away.
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Story Time:
The Day It Hit Me—He Had This All Planned
I remember the exact moment the realization of his plan sank in.
I was back at my parents' house after another violent fight with him. I had nothing, no credit score, no savings, no hope of leaving my fathers abuse or his house. I got up from my bed and walked to the old chair tucked under my childhood desk, the one that still sat beneath the side window of the house. The desk was untouched, preserved like a time capsule. It felt like an insult.
I was married. I went to college at 16. I had plans—dreams—an entire life mapped out to escape this very room…
So how did I end up back here, with nothing more than when I left—and a whole lot less?
Questions started to flood my mind, one after the other.
I opened the laptop sitting on the desk and typed into Google:
“Why do I keep going back?”
It didn’t take long before I found an article—of all things, published by an insurance company, raising awareness about financial abuse.
As if watching myself from outside my body, I read the words like a silent witness.
Questions I never dared ask were suddenly answered.
New questions I couldn’t ignore began to form.
Then I read this quote:
“Financial abuse, whether you’re talking about ruining her credit, getting her fired or hiding the money, is just as effective in controlling an abuse victim as a lock and key.”
—Kim Gandy, President, National Network to End Domestic Violence
That was it.
I fell from the chair to the floor.
Screaming.
Laughing.
Crying.
Pounding my chest with my fists, trying to stop the pain, trying to make sense of the betrayal.
I had spent my whole life trying to escape my father’s cage… only to walk right into a new one.
Except this one was custom-built just for me.
Planned from day one.
All the memories were flashing by like pages flipping in a book. From the first cup of coffee he bought me as a friendly coworker…
To the jewelry, the trips, the flowers, the gas in my tank…
It all came at a price, one he planned to charge me with later.
He got me early.
Really early.
At first, he was generous. Thoughtful. He’d buy coffee and never ask for one in return.
He’d take my car to “grab coffee” and come back with a full tank of gas.
He surprised me with clothes, date nights, jewelry, love letters—
I thought I had hit the jackpot.
Granted, my dreams were to leave the U.S and live my fantasy life in South Korea, but with my fathers control and abuse making that impossible, with his constant enforcement of "you can never leave this house till you are married". I figured I was blessed to find such a sweet, and caring man that could be my freedom from my father.
I was the princess --"lucky girl".
But there was a catch:
I was expected to pay it all back—with 100% interest.
Of course he didnt make this obviouse, he went years (yes years, I didnt want to be with him at first, I was determined to leave my fathers house and be single, sick of men and their control, yet he waited and loved bombed me for years), right up untill we got married.
When I vowed "I do, till death do us part" and the government got involved with a signed and sealed contract, everything changed
Right after getting married he quit his job, claiming he has been working since a young kid and would just like a small break to find a better job. (red flag)
“Can I have five bucks for a snack?”
Of course, I’d say. He spoils me—I can treat him, too.
Then:
“Can you help me pay this ticket?”
Sure, I thought. He’s been so generous—it’s the least I can do.
Suddenly, every penny I had was going to bills.
My bills. His bills.
Just like that, I became the sole provider.
My income.
My savings.
Gone.
He then said we should move to Illinois where he is from because he can get his old job back, in reality, it was to take me away from anyone who knew me, from any place I was familiar with, from my job, and ensure I would be 100% dependant on him.
The fairy tale ended in debt and survival mode—almost overnight.
The “princess treatment”.... a trap all along.
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How Does Financial Abuse Work?
By blocking or controlling access to money, abusers trap their victims in a cycle of dependence—making it nearly impossible to leave or stay away.
They know what they’re doing.
In fact, “lacking financial knowledge or resources is the number one indicator of whether a domestic violence victim will stay, leave, or return to an abusive relationship,” according to the Allstate Foundation’s Purple Purse campaign.
And they use that to their advantage.
Financial abusers don’t just limit your spending—they’ll go as far as taking out loans in your name, wrecking your credit score, or harassing you at your job until you lose it. Some will even file bankruptcy, dragging your name into it—anything to cut off your flow of income and fuel their own.
It's not just control—it’s sabotage.
“When you’re living in abuse, planning and goal-setting is so foreign to your life,”
—Jenisee, a survivor of domestic abuse, shared with the Allstate Foundation.
“You need to get through today. You can’t think about what is happening tomorrow…”
This is why it’s so important for survivors to be given not just support, but knowledge—truths about their situation and the tools to rebuild.
Becoming financially independent might sound like a distant dream when you've been controlled for so long. But that’s exactly why learning it matters.
Because knowledge is power—
The power they tried to steal.
The power you can take back.
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The Days Leading Up to My Escape
I was hundreds of dollars in the negative in my bank account.
No credit cards.
A credit score in the 300s.
A stack of small loans taken out in desperation—split between my mom and sister.
An overdue phone bill on the verge of disconnecting me from the world.
And then there was the humiliating GoFundMe—tied to a desperate video of me, hiding in a closet, whispering for help during one of my ex’s violent, drunken outbursts.
The campaign raised a grand total of… $200.
And because it was 2020, COVID had shut down all nearby shelters. None were accepting new people. I had totaled my minivan and couldn’t afford a tow. So at 4 a.m., in West Side Chicago, I abandoned it on the side of the road—and continued on foot.
I hit rock bottom. Again. I had nothing.
But I wasn’t alone in that. Many survivors find themselves in this exact place.
And yet…
Despite everything, I made a decision:
I didn’t come this far to only come this far.
So I fought back—quietly, dangerously, and determined.
I took back control of my finances at the risk of being beaten, homeless, or killed.
I picked up coins on the sidewalk just to afford a snack, or a single chicken breast that would be my entire meal for the day.
I called every bank, pleaded my case, and got hundreds in overdraft fees removed.
I used what little I had from GoFundMe to keep my phone service on.
And I walked the city for 12+ hours a day, entering every restaurant I passed to apply for jobs.
I made a way out.
Not a pretty one. Not an easy one.
But I got out.
Yes, I ended up homeless.
Yes, he stalked me for two years.
But I survived.
And if I can make it out of that hell, I believe anyone can.
To anyone stuck in the same storm:
Believe in yourself.
Say it with your chest—“F*ck this”—and GET OUT.
Leave as safely and as quickly as you can.
If you’re at the point where your life is already at risk, then don’t wait for it to get worse.
Don’t wait to become a statistic.
Get. The Fk. Out.**
You deserve better.
And there is better waiting for you—on the other side.
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TIPS for Escaping Financial Abuse
✦ Save Every Penny You Can—In Secret
Hide any and every bit of money you come across. Whether it's coins from the couch or the side of the road, to $10-$50 from a side gig—stash it away in cash.
Cash is king here. It’s untraceable and safe from digital tracking.
Lie if you have to. Say a friend needed to borrow money. Say you started a subscription. Say whatever keeps suspicion away.
You’re not being deceitful—you’re surviving.
I walked miles to get to work. I lied about my schedule, my wages, and my bills.
All so I could escape. And you can too.
✦ Plan Your Exit—Quietly and Carefully
Figure out your options.
Can you walk? Take a bus? Can someone pick you up?
Know where you’ll go and how you’ll get there. Call the national DV hotline for local shelter options.
If you can’t plan it all, that’s okay—just stay flexible.
The most important thing is knowing you deserve to leave.
✦ Start Setting Aside What You’ll Take
In many cases, you may have to leave your things behind. I promise you: You will rebuild. You’ll have a better home, better clothes, better peace—if you focus on you.
Think:
What can you carry? A suitcase? A gym bag? A tote?
Whatever it is, get it ready.
✦ Pack Essentials Only
Your go-bag should include:
✔ Socks & underwear
✔ Hygiene items
✔ Medications
✔ A burner phone (if possible)
✔ Important documents
✔ A little food or water
Keep it hidden. Don’t make it obvious. Your safety comes first.
✦ Loop in Someone You Trust
Tell someone you can trust. A friend, sibling, coworker—anyone.
Even if they can’t do much, a little help goes a long way. They can help with:
✔ Storing your stuff in advance
✔ Helping with job leads
✔ Covering small groceries until you’re back on your feet
There’s no shame in asking for help. You’ll return the favor when you’re stable again.
✦ Rebuild Your Credit (If You Can)
Open a secured credit card.
This isn’t a traditional card with a credit line—it’s backed by your own money. You put in $100, you can spend $100.
But here’s the key: it reports to credit agencies.
If your partner has damaged your credit, this is your way back—your start to independence.
✦ Understand the Deeper Impact
Financial abuse isn’t just about money—it’s about control.
It thrives on fear:
Fear of being broke.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of being alone.
And that fear can wreck your health.
Living in survival mode—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—can cause long-term damage to your brain and body.
This isn’t dramatic.
It’s science.
Chronic stress leads to:
✖ Anxiety
✖ Panic attacks
✖ Depression
✖ PTSD
✖ Autoimmune disorders
Your freedom isn't just about money. It's about your life.
You don’t owe anyone your silence.
You don’t owe anyone your suffering.
Start small. Plan quietly. Believe in yourself, because you can do this
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Knowledge is Power ✦ Protect Yourself ✦ Protect your Finances.
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✨Stay Strong✨Keep Fighting on✨